♥.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 @ 7:42 PM

I don't want to do this any longer, I don't want you, there's nothing left to say, hush hush, hush hush, I've already spoken, our love is broken

♪ Pussycat Dolls - Hush Hush

Okay, I'm confused. I don't know, recently you've been popping up in my mind a lot. I do miss you, sometimes. I don't know why I keep dwelling over the past. The past is the past, but I can't seem to forget and erase everything, well maybe I can't erase everything but you know, move on with my life completely.

Even though it's been like, 2 months since we've broken up you've still been on my mind ever since. I didn't regret breaking up with you then and I don't regret it now, considering all the things you've put me through with your egocentricity and selfish acts when I was with you most of the time. You've made me cry before, during and after the relationship. I've shed so many tears for you, you have no idea. So I have no idea why I even care right now. We sure went through a lot of things, ups and downs. And all the downs seemed to be, according to you, my fault for causing it. Because you think you've never caused any problems between us. And for that, assuming it was my fault for the sake of it, I was sorry a billion times. I meant it, at least. Yet you didn't accept it after a while, once the problems continued to arise. What else was I suppose to do or say? I mean, I could have proved that I was sorry, but you got angry at me over the most littlest and stupidest things that proving seemed to be time consuming. Why did you have to make it so hard for me? You knew I loved you so why couldn't you just forget it instead of holding a grudge against me for weeks.

I guess I was happy to be with you, at times. But when you were still mad at me after I said sorry without giving up, hoping that you would forgive me since it was "my fault" - you didn't. And that really made me breakdown. I would get depressed and hardly talk to anyone. Just felt like isolating myself. You have no idea how hard that was for me, cause the only way I'd be happy again was if you were to get over it. Which sometimes took weeks.

I've been thinking of the what-if questions lately. Like, "what if I rashly ended it too quick instead of trying to work things out? what if we could have worked things out over time? what if you changed? ..." Okay, maybe the last question isn't quite possible, but when I end up thinking about you these past few days, I don't seem to focus on your selfish side. Why couldn't you notice what you were doing to me? You didn't understand me at all. Always did stuff that benefited yourself and didn't even consider me. I just wish you considered and realised how hurt I was earlier, and woke up before I decided to end our relationship. I don't know why I didn't realise how self centered you were when I was with you all that time. Perhaps it was because love is blind. Because it really is. Well for me, anyway.

I'm scared that if I see you one day, all my feelings would come rushing back to me and I'd fall, again. I need to fight this and stop myself, I was stupid and blind once, but I'm not going to let you to this to me again. I've been there once before, and I don't want to go back. I guess you wasn't meant for me and wasn't the one I was destined to be with, though it felt that way back then. I can't fix what's broken by just putting a bandaid on everything that's happened. Even though I can't fix everything, I still wanna be friends with you but you've already chosen to completely push me out of your life, wipe me out like we were strangers from the start. It's like you didn't even know me at all. I'm getting a little emotional while typing this. I seem to keep digging up the past. It's not even possible for me to talk to you anymore, since you've blocked and deleted me off MSN. I guess you really wanted a clean cut. Jerk.

Well, things change, and I just have to accept that. But right now, it's hard for me to. Before you came along, I was doing perfectly fine. But you've made me such a wreck, shattered me into peices. And I think I've emotionally changed because of that. I'm probably better off without you. Guess it's time for me to accept the things that have happened and move on without ever looking back again. Cause that seems quite easy for you, which makes me wonder if you even loved me at all. Or as much as I loved you, at least. What I also wonder is, if you've forgotten me .. and if you still think of me. I thought you would have a hard time getting over this, which is why I felt sorry for you and wondered how you were doing. But now, that doesn't even matter cause it looks like you're getting along just fine. I'm walking away from all this. So, I'm choosing to forget you.

To let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn't have any feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't winning or losing. It's not about pride. It's not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. It isn't about loss nor defeat. To let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome and move on. Letting go is accepting. Letting go is having the courage to accept change. Letting go is growing up.

Everyone wants happiness, right? Everyone wants to be happy once in a while. I guess everyone goes through a phase where they want something but it takes time to get it. If you feel as though you want to give up and no longer try, then do it - give up. Well, only if you won't regret it and if seems like that's the right thing to do. Because waiting for something that you know won't happen or holding onto it and waiting for something to happen in the future when it clearly won't happen now .. or whatever it is, is pointless. I know falling in love is painful at some times but I guess it's worth it if it all works out in the end. If it doesn't seem to work out at all, just let it go. Things happen for a reason. So just let it be. If you want to cry, don't hold it in - let it go. Let it all out.

:)